The Humbling Process of Pregnancy

I know I haven't posted in a while so I apologize in advance for how long this post is. I usually just refer people to my husband's blog: www.sincerelydad.blogspot.com, but there have been some recent pregnancy developments that I would like to comment on.

First, the exciting stuff! In case you don't know, we are having a boy! As far as we know, we are naming him Jax Steven Spear. If he pops out and we feel like it's meant to be something else we'll name him that, but so far that is the plan.

I am almost finished with the nursery. My parents bought us a beautiful crib for the baby and Riley's parents got us super adorable bedding. We are doing a safari theme. Here are some pictures of the crib and bedding:

I now have pictures and cute stickers up so I'll have to take a picture with those. Either way the nursery is adorable.

Diet Change

So for those of you who don't know, you take a lot of tests while you're pregnant. You take a blood test but then you have to take a glucose test later on in the pregnancy. They have you drink a ton of glucose, have you sit for an hour, and then take your blood. This is meant to check for gestational diabetes.

Well, I took the test and I was 1 point about the normal level. Luckily I'm not diabetic but I have had to eliminate sweets. To give you some perspective on how much that sucks, my biggest pregnancy craving has been donuts. Since I have a lack of self-control I would eat donuts almost every day.

It also showed that I was anemic so I now have to take an iron supplement and eat foods with more iron. Good times.

Riley and I have done a diet overhaul. Needless to say, it was a very rough start. My diet has been horrible before and during the pregnancy so I have had to make a huge lifestyle change. I hated it. I never felt full, I felt so sick all the time, I realized that I'm a stress eater so my escape was taken away, etc. Riley helped me a ton but it was still a huge change.

After my body got rid of all the sugar and we made sure that we had healthy foods in our home there was a huge shift. I had to plan out our meals so we started having breakfast and dinner together. We had fresh fruit and vegetables in the fridge. I started feeling good after I ate, not just sleepy. I finally had a desire to eat healthy; it was not just something I had to do.

It's amazing how your cravings change once you go without something for awhile. I love fresh peas and peaches. Cottage cheese is something I really enjoy. My sugar and iron are now under control so I can have treats every once awhile but now it's a treat, not a daily thing. 

Even though I wasn't excited to do the diet change I am now super grateful for it. It is going to help me be healthy for the rest of my life and by extension, it will help my kids be healthy.

In Overdrive

I don't know if it was the diet change or what but I went into overdrive. I started cleaning our house like crazy and putting all of my emotional and mental energy into my internship and work. I did a ton of organization projects and deep cleaned our home.

Everything was about getting my life under control and getting ready for the baby. I was reading, working, cooking, etc.  I was in overdrive. I have never been so exhausted, but I have never felt so happy and accomplished.

A Forced Break

Something I have had to learn the hard way is that you can't do as much as you could while you're pregnant, especially when you're in your third trimester and almost a month away from birth...

I guess my body had to do something drastic to make sure I didn't kill myself or hurt my baby. Yesterday while at church I started having contractions. I'm not talking about Braxton Hicks, they were real contractions. We went home and called my doctor, she said to see if they stay consistent for the next hour and if not I had to come in right away.

After an hour we realized that we had to go in (we didn't know they were contractions yet) so we packed up and went over. They put us in labor and delivery and realized that I was having actual contractions.

Luckily I wasn't dilated. They ran some tests to see if I had an infection or anything but everything came back normal. I took some drugs and I stopped feeling the contractions but they didn't completely stop. My doctor prescribed some medication and now I'm not on strict bed rest, but other than work I should be laying down. Thankfully, Jax is fine, I just have to take it easy.

Super Discouraged

Yesterday was scary. It was terrifying to be in pain but not know what was happening to me or Jax. I was hysterical. After doing everything I could to feel more in control I realized that I have no more control. I couldn't even calm myself down enough to think clearly. 

It was painful. There wasn't much physical pain, but I became very discouraged. I couldn't calm down and I couldn't figure out what was going on. I have felt like this pregnancy was limiting me in so many ways and I was just beginning to feel in control again. I realized that it was all an illusion.

This was depressing. I felt so powerless and incapable the entire time. I didn't want to deal with anything. If he was going to come I wanted to be sedated. I couldn't handle it. I started wondering if I would be able to handle labor and if I could ever handle being pregnant again. 

God Knows Me

God knows me so well. Having to limit myself even more has been frustrating. I want to be able to do anything. I want to conquer the world. I don't want to have to give up my internship, my school, my work, anything. I want to be able to do it all. When I realized that I can't, I felt depressed and a little resentful.

Having all these emotions made me determined to still do all I could. I've been reading Covenant Motherhood to help spiritually prepare me for motherhood so I started my day off with that. How grateful I am that I did. The chapter I read was Jesus Christ Loves and Sacrifices. 

It's hard to express what exactly it was about this chapter that gave me the shot of hope and strength I needed. The whole point of the chapter was that sacrifice and selflessness creates a deeper love than we can create on our own. It also stated that motherhood is hard, and it would be the hardest thing ever. You are sacrificing everything in your life to bear and raise a child.

This can seem impossible and undesirable. I was definitely feeling that way. And then I read a line that just stood up and smacked me in the face (in a loving way). Here was the line:

"God and my little family have turned me into a better me than the me I had imagined."

I always imagined myself has a strong, confident woman who would conquer the world. I was going to be the person who could do it all but my focus was on a career and education. All of my focus, my self-worth, my drive, has been based on my progress in those two things.

Reading that line made me realize how that has changed. I am still a strong and confident woman. However, this pregnancy has made me take the spotlight off of my achievements and put my focus on the strength of my marriage and helping my child be the best he can be.

I never would have made the steps I have, physically, emotionally and spiritually, if it wasn't for this pregnancy. I've been able to put myself on an entirely different path than I had planned on and excel in ways I never anticipated. My focus on God has never been stronger and neither has my love and gratitude for my husband.

I am stronger than I realize, and although I may not be able to conquer the world right now I don't have to. Right now I have to conquer myself and be strong for my family. I am just scratching the surface on the amount of love I am capable of. I can do anything. It's not the type of challenges I was expecting, but it is making me a much more mature and capable person than I realized was possible. I will only become better.