Undiagnosed
Life has been crazy since I gave birth to Jax (I'll be posting his birth story on his first birthday, only because it's going to take 6 more months to recover from it). I started my own business, I went back to school, and my son has continued to grow everyday.
The most difficult thing has been the medical issues that have shown up since then. I've had a hard time talking about it because I'm the type of person that doesn't want to need help. However, due to the circumstances, I've had to put aside my pride for the sake of my family.
The first thought is that it was acid so I took a bunch of pills for that. That didn't work, so they gave me smooth muscle reactants and liquid lidocaine. First of all, lidocaine is disgusting, second, that didn't work either.
I have now tried 12 types of medication. Luckily the newest ones take the pain from 7-9 to 4-6. I know that sounds bad but honestly when my pain is at a 6 it's a huge relief.
Luckily I found someone fabulous after a doctor in Urgent Care finally took my pain seriously. I understand that when everything looks ok it's hard for a doctor to take you seriously, but after going to the ER twice in less than a week, I was getting frustrated.
I'm not mad at the doctors who saw me. If I was a doctor and a girl was coming in with severe pain but every test came back showing that nothing was wrong I would get suspicious. Thankfully I found some compassionate doctors who have done everything they could. It's worth driving up to SLC if it means finding a doctor who listens and doesn't think I'm faking it.
My husband has definitely been the one who has had the most difficult time. He's the one who I wake up in the middle of the night because my pain has jumped to a 9. He's the one who has given me blessing after blessing, just hoping for some relief. He's the one who has had to miss class and work because I wasn't able to pick up my son without crying.
My pain tolerance has increased. This isn't fun but I would rather suck it up until Riley gets home than have him cancel the stuff going on that day. The medication helps, but in really difficult moments I don't stress out and give up, I recognize that it's temporary, that I'm not dying, and it's going to be better.
I've been less afraid. I'm a person who gets nervous a lot. Most people don't realize this but I am scared of roller coasters, pain, embarrassing myself, expressing my emotions, and failing. With this pain I'm learning that life is short and we need to jump at anything we can. I've been more honest with my weaknesses, open about how I feel about people, and understand that failing at something is not the end of the world.
I don't think I'm going to die anytime soon, but I don't want to be the person who will get in the fetal position and wait until it's all over, I want to live and have no regrets.
My family has done everything they can to help me. My mom has let me come over so I can get help with Jax. My parents and in-laws have let us stay over when driving home would be too much. That was really hard for me to do, but they have only been loving and offered help in any way they could.
I've been able to tell some friends, and honestly that has been the hardest part, letting my friends know how bad it really is. For some reason though, the response has been pure love. I don't deserve the friends I have, but they have reached out and done things for me that have brought me to tears.
God is always there. Every blessing, every prayer, has brought me peace. One of two things happen when I say, "I can't take anymore." The pain goes away for little while or I am given strength to be able to take a little more.
I know this trial is meant to help me grow as a person, and I know there is more to learn, but I haven't always had this attitude. Whether or not my faith in my Heavenly Father has been weak or strong, he has held me up when I was too weak to stand and I will always remember that.
I also have been trying to be more brave and to me writing about the struggle I've been dealing with the past 5 months is very difficult. Hopefully this helps me grow as a person and helps others realize that it's ok to ask for help.
The most difficult thing has been the medical issues that have shown up since then. I've had a hard time talking about it because I'm the type of person that doesn't want to need help. However, due to the circumstances, I've had to put aside my pride for the sake of my family.
What's happening
One doctor labeled it as esophageal spasms. They are basically muscles spasms (maybe) that are incredibly painful. The doctor explained that they feel like a heart attack and they show up at random. They can last two minutes or two hours. People have them, the problem is that no one can figure out what's causing mine.
The first thought is that it was acid so I took a bunch of pills for that. That didn't work, so they gave me smooth muscle reactants and liquid lidocaine. First of all, lidocaine is disgusting, second, that didn't work either.
I have now tried 12 types of medication. Luckily the newest ones take the pain from 7-9 to 4-6. I know that sounds bad but honestly when my pain is at a 6 it's a huge relief.
So many doctors...
If you've read my blog, I think you can see that I have a very difficult time with doctors and hospitals. This is ironic because when you are suffering severe pain and no one can figure out what it is, you have to keep going to different doctors.
Luckily I found someone fabulous after a doctor in Urgent Care finally took my pain seriously. I understand that when everything looks ok it's hard for a doctor to take you seriously, but after going to the ER twice in less than a week, I was getting frustrated.
I'm not mad at the doctors who saw me. If I was a doctor and a girl was coming in with severe pain but every test came back showing that nothing was wrong I would get suspicious. Thankfully I found some compassionate doctors who have done everything they could. It's worth driving up to SLC if it means finding a doctor who listens and doesn't think I'm faking it.
How my family is
I'm convinced that infants are the most intelligent beings on the planet. One time when my pain had been at an 8 for the past hour, we decided to go to the hospital. I put Jax in the carseat and he gave me a look. He was 3 months old and he looked at me as if he was genuinely concerned. I knew he knew something was wrong, and I knew that he wasn't going to buy it if I said I was ok. I said that mommy is getting help, and he smiled and seemed fine.
My husband has definitely been the one who has had the most difficult time. He's the one who I wake up in the middle of the night because my pain has jumped to a 9. He's the one who has given me blessing after blessing, just hoping for some relief. He's the one who has had to miss class and work because I wasn't able to pick up my son without crying.
What I'm learning
The pain is still there, the doctors still don't know what it is, but a few things are different.
My pain tolerance has increased. This isn't fun but I would rather suck it up until Riley gets home than have him cancel the stuff going on that day. The medication helps, but in really difficult moments I don't stress out and give up, I recognize that it's temporary, that I'm not dying, and it's going to be better.
I've been less afraid. I'm a person who gets nervous a lot. Most people don't realize this but I am scared of roller coasters, pain, embarrassing myself, expressing my emotions, and failing. With this pain I'm learning that life is short and we need to jump at anything we can. I've been more honest with my weaknesses, open about how I feel about people, and understand that failing at something is not the end of the world.
I don't think I'm going to die anytime soon, but I don't want to be the person who will get in the fetal position and wait until it's all over, I want to live and have no regrets.
Needing help isn't a weakness
Admitting you're in pain does not mean you're weak. I hate being a burden on people and being weak, I want to be the strong person who takes care of others. Learning that it's ok to need help has been the most difficult part of this experience.
My family has done everything they can to help me. My mom has let me come over so I can get help with Jax. My parents and in-laws have let us stay over when driving home would be too much. That was really hard for me to do, but they have only been loving and offered help in any way they could.
I've been able to tell some friends, and honestly that has been the hardest part, letting my friends know how bad it really is. For some reason though, the response has been pure love. I don't deserve the friends I have, but they have reached out and done things for me that have brought me to tears.
God is always there. Every blessing, every prayer, has brought me peace. One of two things happen when I say, "I can't take anymore." The pain goes away for little while or I am given strength to be able to take a little more.
I know this trial is meant to help me grow as a person, and I know there is more to learn, but I haven't always had this attitude. Whether or not my faith in my Heavenly Father has been weak or strong, he has held me up when I was too weak to stand and I will always remember that.
Why I'm posting about it
There are a few reasons why I'm publicizing my trial now. For one thing I'm not as embarrassed to admit that something is wrong. There are also some friends that have seen me when I've had an episode and I haven't told them what's wrong so hopefully this helps them realize I'm not dying.
I also have been trying to be more brave and to me writing about the struggle I've been dealing with the past 5 months is very difficult. Hopefully this helps me grow as a person and helps others realize that it's ok to ask for help.
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