My Battle with Insecurity

Isn't it interesting that in a world where the constant preaching of empowerment and self-acceptance is often drowned out by the voice in your head that constantly whispers that you're not good enough?

The sad part is that for most of us, that voice wasn't put there by us. It was put there by bullies, teachers, friends, parents, siblings, church, and strangers. I'm not saying that these people (with the exception of the bullies) did that intentionally. In fact if it was just them we would be totally fine.

My personal war with insecurity has taken many forms and had many different outcomes. I am constantly battling with it and when I win I can take on the world, when I lose I am crippled by self doubt. Different times and different techniques have showed me what works and what doesn't.

The "I Don't Care" Technique

The first moment I battled with insecurity was in fifth grade. I had been bullied before, I had people say I was weird, and honestly that didn't phase me. I loved who I was. I was awesome. I had great friends. 

The difference was that one day I had a bully ask my friend if they thought I was weird in front of me. He looked at me, looked at the bully and said, "Yes." For some reason, that shattered me. I thought in spite of all the bullies, I could always rely on my friends. I realized that that wasn't true. Due to the age of the popularity of certain people, I suddenly lost friends. It hurt. 

From that day forward I decided to act like I didn't care. I didn't brush my hair, I didn't change how I dressed, I didn't take crap from anyone. I got in fights, I pulled a mean prank on one of my bullies, and every time that someone said I was weird or ugly I rolled my eyes and walked away. 

I also made sure that I didn't tell any one how I really felt. I didn't want someone to tell a bully and have them use it against me. 

The "Become a Mouse" Technique

I already had a bully problem in elementary school, so you can imagine how junior high was. 7th grade wasn't too bad. I got a huge confidence boost. I was able to wear make up, I got contacts, and I was able to meet up and hang out with some friends who moved out during elementary school. There was some bullying, but overall I was good. 

8th grade was horrendous. If I go off the deep end and end up in hell, it will be 8th grade. It all peaked when I signed up for a dance class. I decided that I wouldn't get in anyone's way, but also not care what they said about me. Too bad that didn't work...at all.

Everything was fine until one day in class a girl I had never seen or talked to before turned around and said, "You know you're ugly, right?" Talk about being blind sided. My quick witted response (heavy sarcasm here) was, "I'm ugly if you're ugly." Apparently that wasn't the best thing to say because her friend started chiming in and all of sudden almost everyone started chiming in...

I kept ignoring them and it died down a little bit. However, one day while we were changing in the locker room I heard a lot of arguing going on. I go to the row next to mine and there are 5 girls yelling at this other girl. They kept screaming that she stole one of their friends shoes and were saying awful things to her. The teacher wasn't coming in and this poor girl had totally been ganged up on.

I stepped in. I will never regret that I did that, but oh my gosh...it made my life so much worse. They stopped yelling at the one girl and started tearing me a part. After that the only thing people in that class called me was 'ugly' and 'freak'. They called me that in the halls, in the cafeteria, in class, in front of the friends I had left, it was awful.

I went and told the teacher what was happening, and she blew me off. I told her again, and again, and again. Then she did something. She sent almost all the girls in our class to the principal's office. There were only about 10 of us left in the classroom. Let me tell you, that made it worse. The girl I stood up for in class transferred out, the one friend I had made also transferred out. However, because I'm a prideful, stubborn person, I stayed. I was staying so they didn't think I was weak.

The "Disappearing Act"

I started eating lunch alone in a classroom. I would come home and go to my room and not come out. I didn't talk to anyone and when my family tried to talk to me, I yelled at them. I shut myself down, and it was a horrible decision. The damage it caused my family was immense and I wish I could take that back.

The worst damage it did was to myself. Part of my disappearing act was learning not to react to people when they tortured me at school. What I did was horrible and embarrassing, but it did what I wanted it to, and that was made me numb.

I would look in the mirror everyday and start saying the worst things I could think of about myself. I would make myself cry, and then keep saying worse things until I stopped crying. I did this until crying wasn't an issue. Those emotional scars, the image of the 13-year-old me insulting herself until she had a wall of steel around her, scares me. I hope and pray that no one else has done that, but if you do, please stop. 

One night I was doing this again and I finally said, "What's the point? What's the point of liking myself when no one else does? What's the point of trying when everyone hates you, no one is going to love me, no one cares."

What happened next was a miracle and I will always remember it. I was stopped in my tracks by a voice and it said one thing, "I love you, and I always will." 

Whether you believe in God or not, I do because of that moment. I wasn't trying to kill myself, but I was about to lose myself completely. He saved me. He has saved me since, but in that moment he saved me and I got a testimony of God and the atonement. After that I stopped the mirror rants, and everything started to get better.

The "Please Everyone" technique

Things started getting way better. I got confidence back, I reconnected with friends who were always there, I started over. I got new friends, and I started to be happy again. Thank heaven.

However, I was terrified of being bullied like that again, so I tried something different. I tried being super outgoing, complimenting everyone, and hugs. I realized that this was who I was, someone who wanted to make others happy, but I wasn't being me then. I was being whatever any one wanted me to be.

It worked though. People liked me and if they didn't like me at least they didn't bully me. I was still very limited because I was so scared to be myself. I joined a debate class and fell in love it, so I transferred schools. That was the best decision I had ever made.

I made new friends and they are still the best friends I could ask for. They really helped me find who I was, and like who I was. Sadly, this happened more out of high school, but it makes sense. High school sucks, but nothing is worse than junior high.

This is where the "please everyone" technique gets exceptionally dangerous...especially when your self worth is completely tied up in other's opinions of you. People do stupid things to be liked, and I did a lot of stupid things. 

The "Escape" Method

This one was the most dangerous for me. I wasn't how I was in junior high, but I had become a pro at looking like I had everything together when really I was a mess. 

My coping mechanism was to escape the problem. I would play games, watch shows, go on dates, party until 2 in the morning, anything to avoid having time to myself. Why? Because I hated myself. I had gone so far from who I wanted to be because I was so caught up in pleasing someone else and my own selfish need to feel pretty and wanted. 

I had dug myself a deep hole, and my attempts at trying to make someone happy had ended up hurting them and me greatly. I felt sick, empty, and hopeless. 

One day that I will tag as the lowest point of my life, I had a friend call me. He was my best friend, and I still consider him to be one of my best friends. He had no idea anything was wrong, but he invited me to go up to the canyon to roast some marshmallows. 

It was exactly what I needed. I didn't need to talk to him about what had happened, but he knew something was up. He talked to me for hours and he made me see that I could change and that I would. He made me feel wanted, but not because of how I looked, but because he knew the kind of person I was. He cared about me. He wanted me to be happy no matter what.

He still doesn't know how much that meant to me, I really need to thank him for it. After that night I was able to change. 

Road to Recovery

I went and fixed a bunch of major things and was on the bumpy road of recovery. I stopped escaping and was trying to love who I was, I still am. Once I truly liked myself and was confident in who I was and what I wanted, I found Riley. He has continued to help me recover from insecurity no matter how frustrating it is for him.

Looking back at all these experiences there are a lot of things I wish I could change. The biggest one would be making sure that I didn't shut out my mom. I know that if I told my mom about the dance class she would have fixed it. I know that if I had told her everything recovery would have been quicker, easier, and less to fix. I'm sorry, Mom. I should have been brave and talked to you.

Insecurity still plagues me, and although more than insecurity went into all these experiences, the fact that I didn't know who I was or like who I was made relatively small issues huge. Any insult devastated me, and any compliment made my day. Both will happen, I just don't want them to effect me in such a dramatic way.

The good news is that I can say that I love who I am. In spite of all my imperfections and mistakes, I know that I'm a great person who is striving to be better. I am happy. There is always a voice that says that I'm not good enough, but it's much easier to replace that voice with another one that says, "I love you, you are enough."

Thank you for reading this personal post, it turned into something completely different than what I intended it to be, but I needed to write it. I hope it helped someone.